Don’t you hate it when you’re confronted with the possibility that you might be a fraud? Or better yet, a self-deluded fool? Leave it to me to intentionally “go outside my comfort zone” and come face-to-face with the one thing I avoid like the plague: shame.
You can read my previous post below, Anticipation, Uncertainty and Listening, to get the backstory about my week-long listening road trip with Sidewalk Talk, a non-profit, community listening project. It’s taken me over a month to process my experiences on the road. In fact, this was one of those trips that I’ll be thinking about and “unpacking” for years.
For those of you who don’t know me, integrity is one of my core values. I work very hard to “walk my talk.” Authentic leadership, teamwork, emotional intelligence (EQ) and communication are my coaching and training expertise. In my personal life, I strive to listen and foster a deep connection with family, friends, and members of my community. I feel confident in my knowledge and abilities within these areas, but I went into this trip wanting to improve my listening skills.
I’m going to share three memorable experiences, all of which were integrity gut check moments.
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#1: One for all and all for one
After working with teams but not on teams for the last 16 years, I was longing to belong again. This Sidewalk Talk bus tour was a great opportunity to do just that. Eight volunteers (including myself) would be traveling together. I only knew two of them. The rest were strangers, but we had a common mission. The night before the tour kicked off, the group bonded and was energized with a blend of enthusiasm and conviction.
We had an ambitious schedule of six states in seven days. With an afternoon public training and an evening listening event, our days were full. At the end of each day, we would drive to the next city and do it all over again when we woke up. After a few nights with very little sleep, I hit the wall.
Let me set the scene—we were debriefing and planning while we ordered a late lunch. Not only did I rudely interrupt one teammate but I flat out didn’t listen to another. Basically, I was attached to my agenda of being right. When they pointed out that I wasn’t listening to them, I struggled to pull my act together gracefully. In hindsight, I recognize that I was tired, “hangry” and stressed. Ignoring my own self-care basics had come back to bite me in my EQ.
What really made me spin out was my gross miscalculation. I knew this trip would be a marathon, not a sprint. I knew I would have to pace myself, but I forgot to factor in how much energy goes into being a part of a team. What had I gotten myself into?
Of course, this hit “shame” buttons in me I didn’t even know existed. So, I flogged myself until I was able to get a good night’s sleep (a.k.a. a hard reset.) I used this misstep as a wake-up call to stay more present—to my needs, to the work, and to my teammates.
Our new team was “storming and norming” all week, which are common stages of team development and exactly what I support my clients through. Experiencing it first-hand, however, reminded me of the courage it takes to have integrity and be authentic in a work context. It gave me more empathy for my clients and compassion for myself.
I’m grateful to my teammates who gave me the gift of direct feedback and the benefit of the doubt. With that, we were able to build trust through a genuine appreciation of each other’s strengths and needs. I’m proud to be a part of such an amazing cast of characters.
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#2: I don’t have to agree with you to listen
Later that same day, I was on the streets of downtown Indianapolis holding a “free listening” sign, when two gentlemen walked up. The “boss” of the pair asked me why I was doing this with a skeptical tone. I shared that I had volunteered for this road trip because I wanted to listen to people who have different experience or beliefs than me. I added, “I don’t have to agree with you for you to feel heard.”
My honesty instantly transformed his mild annoyance into full debate mode. In that moment, his caption would have read “let the games begin.” For a tenth of a second, I started to flinch. Thank goodness, I was present enough to check myself. I calmly dropped into the conversation with my full attention. I strived to understand and let go of my judgments. I quieted my mind and listened beyond the rhetoric. After I recognized and reflected back his core values, his body language softened. There was a subtle shift in his tone. He didn’t trust me at first but after about five minutes he genuinely thanked me for listening and asked for a training booklet. The fact that I was open to him, opened him up to me and listening. Mission accomplished!
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#3: Don’t add to the angst
In Louisville, I had an eye-opening conversation with a shy 16-year old girl. She only sat down because her more extroverted friend wanted an opportunity to talk. At first, she was distrustful but clearly curious about what we were doing. She asked what people usually talk about. I explained that it was everything from celebrating positive events to sharing their feelings of despair.
Ultimately, she revealed that she was angry, lonely and disconnected from her friends after being dumped by her girlfriend. She explained that her mom didn’t listen to her. Their communication was simply transactional. In that moment, I empathized with both the girl and her mom. I was honored that she felt safe enough to speak freely.
This young woman is only a couple years older than my son. Our conversation helped me to see how my own utilitarian listening habits at home add to his teenage angst. That’s not what I want for him or our family. I’m committed to being more self-aware. He’s trying to be less reactive. I’m grateful each day for the real-time practice. My goal is not to be perfect just more intentional.
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I work hard every day to avoid shame. I think most people do. Unfortunately, we start coasting and fool ourselves into believing that we’ve arrived and are somehow safe. Comfort will not protect us from life.
This road trip reminded me that the safest path is to be fiercely open to our own vulnerabilities. That is the surefire way to grow as a person and not become complacent with our integrity.
